Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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