i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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