I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
