as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
