And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
