I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
