His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
