Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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