Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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