i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
