I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
