More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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