Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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