Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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