We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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