P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
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We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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