Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
