I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
