My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
