Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
