well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
