So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
