If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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