I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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