All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
