i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Randomize
