woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
