i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
