You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
