i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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