Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
