i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
