We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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