what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Who died my cat blue again?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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