You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
