two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
