Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
