I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
