I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
