So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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