Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You can't just leave with hair like that
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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