Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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