Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize