I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
