the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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