Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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