just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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