I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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