Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
