i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
