Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.