I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i can juggle bunnies
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
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I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?