So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...