so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
