I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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