You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You have to summon your inner elephant
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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