$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So much rum. So many feels.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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