I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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