Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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